Grief

i dont know this is gonna be really messy because i'm embarrassed and there's people all around me and i've never admitted something like this before.

i have yet to fully experience grief. this is probably a good thing. but it scares me that i haven't yet experienced it. i'm probably going to look back at this page when i'm no longer 16 and edgy and realize that im just being a mentally ill freak. but until then i am going to finally share my thoughts here.

i dont know the first time someone i knew died. it was probably my great grandmother, but i only met her once in my lifetime. i was not affected. after that, it was probably when my friend shot himself during freshman year. that was what shouldve been the most impactful moment of them all. i had been getting close with him over the summer through a mutual friend. i thought he was fine. then the mutual friend messaged me and let me know that our friend had used a shotgun to take his life. i remember seeing his funeral fundraiser being spread around by his family. the problem was, though, that as mortifying as it was to realize he was gone, i didn't actually feel anything. i wrote in my journal for english class that my friend had killed himself, and i wrote about it nonchalantly. my teacher left a worried note when she read it, but the pity just made me feel bad. i don't think i actually was affected much by his death.

a while after that, another friend of a friend killed themself. but i didn't care about that death either, mostly because i barely interacted with them, but also because after their death we learned they were a pedophile.

today, june 16th, 2023, that same friend's cat died. i had known the cat for many years. i had inside jokes about him, i said hi everytime i saw him, he made me incredibly happy. i grew attached to him. hearing that he died almost pushed me to tears. that was the most of a response anyone's death had ever given me. but as soon as the feelings of grief appeared, they left as well. i felt like crying for a few minutes, and then immediately after i opened my game and continued indulging my hyperfixation. i felt awful, not because of the death, but because i felt nothing for that death. because even the death of an important animal in my life could not bring me to tears.

i feel guilt over my lack of grief constantly. i often wonder about what would happen if someone extremely close to me died. i would probably be upset if my favorite sister died. but if my least favorite sister died, i don't think i would feel anything other than fleeting feelings of regret—probably nothing more than "i wish i was nicer to her while she was here." if either of my best friends died, i don't know what i would do. they are my only anchors in this world anymore. on one hand, i am incredibly scared of experiencing real grief. on the other, i feel i deserve to live through those difficult emotions as punishment for never feeling anything before.

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